I am lonely.....

People will only say i am just thinking too much but deep inside me, i am really lonely. As i was in a crowd of people, i can rarely feel my existence. In a group of friends, i felt being neglected as i have no idea what they are talking about or i know what they talking about but i did not voice out my comments because i scared my comment will only be treated as if a wind had just passed by. I do not want to feel awkward but whether i speak or not, i will just felt awkward anyway. That is why i do not want to be in a group of friends, i perhaps. However, deep inside me, i wanted to be a part of them and enjoy myself. I know it will never happen because you think i am thinking too much and missed the fun but deep inside me, do you know how much i had been struggling and how miserable i was?

Wanted to have more smiles and laughter in my life but there are so many things that keep me away from it. The more i chase over it, the further it drifted away from me. I gave up. The loneliness is killing me softly from inside. Need effective and strong painkiller for it.

Recently, i had not been home because i do not want to stay at home. Not because i hate my home or family members. I just do not know how to face them wearing a happy mask. And most of the time i at home, i cried myself to sleep. Nowadays, i sleep even more not because i am fatigue or damn tired but i just wanted to go to sleep so i do not have to face anything. I wish the moment i had slept, i can ceased my existence but i could not stop my lungs to stop breathing nor my heart to stop beating. And when i open my eyes, i sighed as here i am in reality again. Most of the time, i stared at my wrist thinking how am i going to place the the knife on it and pressed into my skin letting all my blood drained out from my body.

Seriously i do not know how much longer i can bear my pain but i know not long.

"Cry On My Shoulder" is the song that i heard for the whole week. But i without shoulder to cry but to blog on here. I wanted to talk to someone right now but there's no a person i could talk to or chat.